what_fourth_wall

HEY KIDS! So, I thought it would be a BRILLIANT-

(-TERRIBLE-)

idea to start up one of those Helpline type things! Except, instead of a Helpline, this is more like an ask me anything line. Kinda like those "Ask Debbie" columns in newspapers, except I'm way more awesome than Debbie. Debbie sucks. She's a two-bit-

(-Is Debbie a real person?)

No, I just made her up. Why?

(You might want to get on with your point...)

OH! Yeah. That's better than Debbie. EVERYTHING is better than-

(POINT!)

*clears throat* So yeah! Ask me anything. Seriously. I will answer any and all questions you have with a little bit of the old DP wisdom. I can't guarantee that you'll like the answers, that they'll be right, that they won't involve hitting on you if you're a hottie, etc etc, but you'll definitely get an answer that you weren't looking for!

(Because if they REALLY wanted serious answers, they'd just go to fucking Debbie.)

FUCK DEBBIE!

PLAYER INFO

Name: This guy may be the only Nick that's ever written for me!
Age: Hey guess what he is basically 40, which is what you are when you are 39.
Contact: Hit this nerd up at spazztichero on the Plurksies.
Current Characters: ME!! Hi my name is Deadpool and I have more than one problem.

CHARACTER INFO

Name: DEADPOOOOOOOL aka Wade definitely not a knockoff of Slade Wilson
Journal: what_fourth_wall
Age: Uh. I dunno. Younger than Wolvie, older than your mom? OOOOOOHHHHH, sick 90s burn!! Because, you know, I was created in the 90s. Oh fine. You mean for real. Let's go with, like 69 or something. NOICE.
Appearance: Fucked uuuuuuuppp. My body is basically one big regenerating tumor. So depending on the artist and/or Ryan Reynolds, I look like a passable burn victim, an avocado with a face, a zombie, spaghetti given sentience, or your mom. Look, I like a good theme, alright? And again...90s. It was a time.

Canon: Marvel Comics, MCU, wherever can shake my moneymaker for the Mouse
Canon Point: Got my own solo series, BAYBEE!! Of course, I always have that because I'm Big Time. I'm better than Wolvie at doing whatever it is Wolvie does. Oh...oh, my boxes are telling me you want specifics. Yeah, that'd be my current solo series by Kelly Thompson where I'm KING OF THE MONSTERS ON STATEN ISLAND!!! ...Wait what? I'm being told that series was cancelled. At 10 issues. That can't be possible. Who the fuck do you think I am...She-Hulk?!?

This She-Hulk burn brought to you by-[He is cut off as he is squashed with a boulder that flies out of nowhere. This boulder signifies the rejection of his character application oops.]

History: Look, I'm too lazy to type. And you and me, we're on the same page because you specified Wiki entries are preferred. I like you. You're good people. If you nerds want to know anything about me, somebody made a nice long post over on Wikipedia. Go. Read. Learn.

Abilities: So basically I'm a constantly healing tumor of a person. Literally a cancer on society. Metaphors!!! Also Thanos cursed me so I couldn't be killed and couldn't get to make sweet sweet love to Death, my one true constant romantic interest. Because Thanos is a big purple testicle that can't blow its load and is a JEALOUS ASSHOLE.

Ahem. Sorry. Tangent. ANYWAYS. I am also like the best merc ever, the Mary Sue of mercs, if Mary Sues were ever fugly. Which they aren't. And also my eyes aren't purple. And ALSO...you fuckers better stop with this sexist hating of ladies who like to be awesome in things okay. Ain't nothin' wrong with wanting to be awesome in the properties you love! I'm not even down with hating on Wesley Crusher, who is basically the FIRST Mary Sue ironically enough, because Wil Wheaton is a delightful human being. Erm. 90s again. NOT SORRY.

What does best merc ever mean? Oh you know. Master of all weapons, amazing fighter, better than Wolverine, etc. Oh yeah, and my insanity basically means my fighting style is too chaotic to keep up with. And my mind is agony to telepaths who try to get up in there.

Questionnaire:

1. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA~

[This laughing goes on for a while, so the narration will try to answer. He doesn't really believe anything is real, because his fourth walling means he knows of too many other "real" things to believe in any absolute reality. That kinda shit fucks with your head. As such, his loyalties and commitments are pretty ephemeral, but this does kind of make up some kind of nihilistic philosophy, maybe? But he does always really want to be a hero, despite failing at it constantly because he finds it hard to define what a hero really is. All he knows is he will always try to protect kids and kill assholes for money but not good people. He is surprisingly loyal to his buds, but takes betrayal - and what he perceives as betrayal - very, very hard. Look, the mutants are stupid isolationist butt monkey fascists who won't let him in on their stupid little Krakoa sex cult and it makes him cry himself to sleep at night, okay? All he wants is a good friend that he can trust, or maybe a love interest that doesn't try to murder him. But he also doesn't think he's good enough for any of that, so he tends to self-sabotage when he actually gets it. The man is deeply depressed on the inside. Not that you'd know it by interacting with him. Because...]

~HAHAHAHAHAA...wait, what was the question again?

2. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take: best, worst, most likely?

Your mom. 90s!!!

(Sigh. What he means is he doesn't ever really change. It's the lot of comic characters, and he's pretty extreme in that way. He will grow in one title only to be reset for the next. However, because people seem to really like him, he tends to move inexorably towards being a hero more than a villain. But a core element of him is that he doesn't change much.

HOWEVER...in RP he has changed a bit over time. He's a little better at forming lasting relationships because he's met some good people who have NOT betrayed him. There are more lucid, reasonable, serious moments than there ever used to be. This is the "best" video game ending.

But if he is betrayed, he could backslide into a lot of self-sabotage and go on a psychotic asshole bender, just killing things and being a shit all over the place because what does any of it matter if none of it is real anyway?]

3. How do they behave within a group? What role(s) do they take? Does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? Why?

/7I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, AND I DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED, I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in-between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way~/7

[This about sums it up. Pop culture references, acting out, etc. It can actually be worse if he knows and trusts the group. Because, you guessed it, self-sabotage.]

4. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it?

SMUT!!!!

[Hurgh. Well. You probably get the picture by now. But additionally, whether he realizes it or not, he seeks validation that he is real, that he matters, but he denies it when people try to give it to him. As to how he goes about getting it? In the worst ways possible, trust me.]

5. How do they understand the world–what kind of worldview and thought processes do they have? Why?

[Gestures vaguely at basically this whole application. Deadpool himself has checked out at the moment because he is easily distracted and saw a Mexican food truck.]

6. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions?

[You know, he relies on his mind quite a lot actually. His insanity tends to make him extremely clever. There are a baker's dozen regenerating characters with sharp pointy things out there, but Deadpool is a cut above the rest because of how he approaches things. It's easy to regenerate and kill, but it takes a special kind of person to escape Domino by confronting her with her phobia of chickens.]

7. What is something others might find intolerable about them?

This application? Basically everything? The fact that I take nothing seriously, am a complete asshat at the most inappropriate times, inspire a bunch of neckbeards to ALSO be asshats, and never stop talking? I'm like if somebody asked the question, what if Spider-Man were exponentially more annoying?

[Oh hey, welcome back.]

Thank you!!! I was playing Stardew Valley. Why is that game so addicting? I just named a pig Threshy because every time it finds a truffle, it BLOWS MY MIND.

Samples: Does this entire app count? No? @!$@#$! FINE. Let me dig for links.

Teddy Abuse | Uh I kind of have a problem with ducks.

Look, that second one gets WEIRD. Also, I'm counting this app as a writing sample.

[Hey buddy, read the syllabus. They specifically said "less than a year old". And we are old as dirt and those links are...look, just don't look at the time stamps if we don't want to feel a 90s kid stumbling into a current twitter thread debating Simps and Alphas.]

Where my Vines at?

[It's TikToks now.]

#!$!@#$%

Okay, current. Um. Current.

Bugging Jen IN YOUR GAME!!! | Discussing how the X-Men are fascist JERKS | I like collecting Elenores

THERE! Following the rules. But I still like those first two entries.

Why are you interested in this game? Because it has my FRANDS!!!! And I need to get out more. Do you KNOW how sad it is that SWS and WWW are basically wastelands of RP now? Of course you do. It's why you made this here game. ALSO. Other games are intimidating and this one looks like it both has structure and yet is chill. I like paradoxes. I can hang with that.

But mostly FRANDS.

[And trolling those "frands".]

Leo had paid Wade ten dollars for killing Jennie’s dog. It was a symbol. He hadn’t wanted to accept the money, but he had because he knew that he had to. It had gone into a jar with all of the other money he’d ever earned for his pranks. The money had been for Wade’s pipe dream to own the pet Derrick would never let him have.

But in this, neither Derrick nor Leo would win. Now Wade had the money to adopt a puppy, and he did. For brief hours it was his, until he left it on Jennie’s doorstep.

Jennie called. Wade did not answer. She called many times, but he would not pick up the phone. For her part, she was persistent. For his part, he knew better than to give in. She was upset, angry, confused, and sad. He knew that. She probably wanted to understand, perhaps to make things right. He knew that too. Just as she had known with the pony tail, she must have known now.

But Wade knew better. In his life, there was an angel and a devil to choose between, and he had to choose the devil to save the angel.

THWAK. THWAK. THWAK. Each knife went unerringly into the raccoon Leo had impaled to the wall by it’s shoulders. It’s squeals of pain were surprisingly human. They made Wade think of a small child in pain.

“New hobby?” He shoved his hands in his pockets, trying not to look uncomfortable.

“Yep.” THWAK. Wade suspected he was intentionally not killing it quickly.

“Why?”

“Because I’m bored. And I’m good at it. What are you good at?”

“I could do that.”

Leo offered a knife. Wade took it and looked at it. He’d never killed before. Now he killed quickly. Leo frowned.

The one kiss ever shared between them came after he stormed out of his house, his father’s incoherent yells chasing them both out. He was feeling so much that he didn’t know what to do.

“Wade! Stop!”

He stopped. Jennie, a little out of breath, caught up to him. She hugged him fiercely. “He’s wrong, you know.”

Wade shook his head. She kissed his forehead. It didn’t stop the tears of anger, shame, sorrow, and so many other feelings, but it did pierce right through everything and get his attention. One simple, non-romantic kiss, and it meant so very much.

Inasmuch as any twelve year old boy could be in love, Wade was in love. He adored Jennie. She seemed to be equally fond of him. Did they call it love, though? Perhaps. But was it the same kind of love that characterizes romance? Wade might have thought so as he lay awake at night thinking about her. But at that age, love and its nuances are easily confused.

Jennie and Wade never dated. They never called themselves anything. There were no titles other than “friend”. In many senses, they understood love better than most because they didn’t need definition.

When Jennie suggested hanging out, Wade jumped on it. They met at her house because he wouldn't expose her to Derrick. Especially not when he was drinking again. Leo did not know of this meeting; he hated her at this point.

Wade wondered what they would do. He had no idea how to have anything normal. When she suggested a game of Sorry, he just nodded with a smile. She smirked. It was a joke that he didn’t quite get – she was giving him an apology that he had never been able to make.

“Your move, Wade Wilson.” She smiled.

“Do it,” Leo hissed, grinning at Wade.

“How much did you get?”

“Five bucks. One dollar finder’s fee for me, four dollars for your porn.” Leo had taken up a collection to pay Wade to yank the new girl’s ponytail. The thing was, he had to do it during class, which guaranteed trouble.

“All right.” He looked at the inviting ponytail. Poor girl was too smart for her own good. She’d been branded a nerd.

Wade reached out and yanked. Jennie shrieked. She whipped around and glared at Leo. But it was the strangest thing…she smiled at Wade. She knew.

“Here.” Wade set a bottle of good Scotch down in front of Derrick.

“Thanks.” Derrick opened it and poured. There were no questions about where it had come from or how Wade had gotten it.

“Tell me a story. About ‘Nam.”

The man looked at the boy, already more a man than the father. For a few seconds, he appraised him. Then he nodded. No smile – just a nod. What he did do was pour Wade his first drink and shove it over to him. Then he began the story of the time he earned his Purple Heart. Wade listened.